Niles Crane is Frasier’s little brother, and a respected psychiatrist. He’s also a germaphobe, a hypochondriac, hopelessly in love with Daphne, and very set in his ways. Throughout the entire run ofFrasier, it’s evident that Niles is the perfect foil to his older brother, and to say that he has a way with words is a total understatement. Not only does Niles boast a razor-sharp wit, but his inherent contrarian nature is often the source of conflict in Frasier’s Elliot Bay Towers apartment building.
Though Frasier boasts his own distinct brand of verbose hyper-pomposity, we’d argue that Niles has the upper hand in most verbal exchanges. It’s Niles’ always apparent need to one-up his brother that makes his quips so perfect, and the fact that he lives in Frasier’s shadow that often makes his deliveries have so much venom.
At the end of the day, we love Niles Crane for all of his quirks and idiosyncrasies. Despite his condescending nature, he’s the only person we can think of who is up to the task of putting Frasier in his place. To celebrate the legacy of Niles Crane, and also mourn the fact that he won’t be a part of theupcomingFrasierreboot, we thought it would be in everybody’s best interest to talk about 13 of our favorite Niles Crane quotes.
13"Catherine of Aragon!"
Paramount Network Television
In “Mixed Doubles,” Niles finds himself in a bit of a predicament. Having discovered that Daphne is newly single, Niles takes Frasier’s advice, and holds off on telling her how she truly feels, so he doesn’t come off as insensitive. But in a freaky turn of events, Daphne brings her new boyfriend, Rodney, to Frasier’s house for coffee. It’s not the missed romantic opportunity that upsets Niles, however, but rather the fact that Rodney is basically Niles’ doppelgänger, meaning he actually would have had a chance with her if he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date.
This entire scene transpires around Frasier’s excitement over his new Limoges coffee set, which features six different cups representing the many different wives of Henry VIII. When Rodney expresses how much he loves smelling Daphne’s hair, an idiosyncrasy that he shares with Niles, we hear a shatter from the other room. Frasier knows that Niles broke one of his newly obtained (and extremely valuable) antique cups, and asks if it was Anne Boleyn who was smashed, to which Niles replies from the other room, “Catherine of Aragon!”
This just goes to show you that even though Niles let his emotions get the best of him, he still tries to save face by correcting his older brother.
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12"Oh, spare me, you ludicrous popinjay."
Later in the same episode, Niles catches Rodney cheating on Daphne with Adelle, his own romantic interest from earlier in the episode. To add insult to injury, he catches them in the act at his own espresso-filled sanctuary, Café Nervosa. When he approaches Rodney, having caught him red-handed, Rodney tells him it’s not what it looks like, to which Niles responds, “Oh, spare me, you ludicrous popinjay!”
Niles has handled rejection in the past, but his love for Daphne is apparent in this scene because the only thing he’s concerned about is sparing her feelings in light of this romantic impropriety. Being a true man of honor, Niles tells Rodney that he’ll meet up with Daphne that night and explain things to her, because she may take the news better if it comes from a good friend.
11"I don’t care, Niles gotta have it!"
In “Look Before You Leap,” Niles finds himself hot and bothered, and ready to succumb to sexy time with Maris even though his marriage is on the rocks at this point in the series. As Niles bickers with Frasier over whether he should allow his baser urges get the best of him, Daphne storms into the apartment after getting a botched haircut after taking Frasier’s advice, and that pushes Niles over the edge. Though Daphne’s hair is an absolute mess, it’s her passion, and her form-fitting blue dress that sends Niles off for “foreplayandcuddling” with Maris (according to his planner).
In a moment of sexually frustrated bravado, Niles takes a hearty swig from his sherry glass before aggressively whipping it into Frasier’s fireplace. Frasier tells Niles that he will “rue the day,” before Niles quips, “I don’t care, Niles gotta have it!,” and slamming the door behind him.
10"Ah, yes, thick and gooey. Ganja in its purest form."
In “High Holidays,”Marty makes it apparentthat Niles was never one to rebel against his father during the days of his youth. One time, Marty even got excited when he thought that Niles was hiding drugs in his dresser drawer, but was disappointed when he found that it was actually just a bag of potpourri to make his sweaters smell nice.
In an effort to rebel against his father in adulthood, Niles decides to get high on reefer.He meets Roz at Nervosa, and she supplies him with a pot brownie wrapped in tinfoil. Niles inspects the package, and comments on the structural integrity of the brownie, thinking that it’s “ganja in its purest form.” Roz, rightfully bewildered, explains that it’s actually a pot brownie, and that he’s an idiot for not knowing that.
9"That’s why Niles lives at the Shangri-La and drives a hatchback!"
At the height of Niles’ divorce drama with Maris, he’s forced to sublet his apartment at the prestigious Montana,the luxury buildinghe dreamed of living in since he was a child. To make matters worse, he moves into the Shangri-La, which is a place that, to Niles’ horror, Marty said he wouldn’t mind living at. But Niles has no choice, because Maris froze all of his assets, and he needs a place to live.
To Niles, status is everything. And not only was moving into the Shangri-La a massive blow to his ego, but getting caught driving around in a rent hatchback, a car “named after its most hideous feature,” certainly pushes Niles into an existential crisis during this episode.
8"Two years of my hard work wiped out by one of your two-minute McSessions."
One of the biggest points of contention between Niles and Frasier is the success that Frasier sees hosting his show on KACL. Niles takes great pride in his private psychiatry practice, and the years of work he puts into getting his clients on the path tosound mental health. But when Frasier unknowingly gives advice to one of Nile’s patients on the air, she fires Niles. To Niles, Frasier’s fast-and-loose approach to psychiatry is not a worthy substitution for the relationship building that a patient has with their psychiatrist over a long period of time.
When Niles finds out that one of Frasier’s “two-minute McSessions” cost him a client, he boldly asserts that if they lived in a different era, he’d horsewhip Frasier.
7"Little bugs that are eating your skin right now!"
One idiosyncrasy that is made apparent in the inaugural episode ofFrasier, is that Niles is both a neat freak and a germaphobe. This is demonstrated the first time that Niles and Frasier sit down for coffee at Café Nervosa, and Niles brushes off every surface of his chair with a handkerchief before sitting down. This personality quirk is demonstrated throughout the entire eleven-season run ofFrasier,and often gets heightened to ridiculous proportions.
In “Some Assembly Required,” Marty becomes a somewhat sensational safety speaker at primary schools, and brings his dog, Eddie, along with him to talk to kids about looking both ways before crossing the street, and weighing in on the finer points of “stranger danger.”
When Marty gets sick, Niles steps in as a de-facto safety speaker, and traumatizes the entire assembly by talking about the dangers of poor hygiene. When he’s laughed at by the grade schoolers over his use of a handkerchief, he goes on a legendary rant after he’s told he’s not cool for using it. Niles freaks everybody out, including the principal and Marty, when he yells, “Do you know what dust is? It’s the excretion ofmites!Little bugs that are eating your skin right now!" Needless to say, Niles wasn’t invited back to present ever again.
6"I think they’ve switched to an inferior domestic brand."
Niles is known to enjoy the finer things in life. He drives a luxury car, lives in a luxury apartment, and always eats ategregiously expensive restaurantswith Frasier before going to the opera. Given Niles’ deep pockets, he’s also one to be critical of any experience that he feels like he’s not getting his money’s worth.
When Niles suspects that Nervosa switched their cocoa shavings for his latte with an “inferior domestic brand,” he takes a small seeking swig and swishes the contents of his drink around in his mouth like a wine-taster before confirming his suspicions, and proclaiming that the chocolate does in fact have a waxy texture.
5"I very clearly asked for a whisper of cinnamon, he’s given me a full-throated shout!"
Speaking of coffee, Niles is very particular about his order, even though nobody ever seems to get it right. Though there have been variations throughout the series, Nile’s go-to beverage is a “double decaf nonfat latte, with medium foam, dusted with just the faintest whisper of cinnamon.” But depending on who is making his beverage, the baristas at Nervosa have a tendency to be a little heavy-handed with the cinnamon shaker, much to Niles’ dissatisfaction.
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4"It was right at the apex of her widow’s peak."
One of the more satisfying through lines inFrasieris the fact that we never actually see Niles’ ex-wife Maris, but rather only hear about her. This opens up the dialogue to a lot of hearty jabs at Maris’ expense. What we do know about Maris, however, is that she is incredibly vain, alarmingly skinny, suffers from extreme body dysmorphia, has a penchant for plastic surgery, and always goes on soul-searching pilgrimages before sinking into her daily nonfat milk bath.
In “sleeping with the enemy,” Niles is in a state of absolute distress upon entering Frasier’s apartment because Maris found a gray hair. Knowing all too well what kind of grief Niles is going through, Frasier asks Daphne to fix him a glass of brandy. But when Niles elaborates, and tells Frasier that the gray hair was right at the “apex of her widow’s peak,” Frasier truly understands the gravity of the situation and tells Daphne to bring the whole bottle to Niles.
